a new experience 2 - a rather dark night
saturday 8th november:
in hospital with my poorly heart, wondering what changes this will bring - twice already my life has taken a different course because of my health - i can't remember the detail of what i felt the last two times but once i start thinking about it a gulf opens - no one seems aware of my M.E. and even less of the effect it already has on my life - the story about my heart is shifting from one of full recovery to a less certain outcome
mick is already having trouble accepting the shift in opinion, he's the permanent optimist where i am the hopeful realist, and i am finding it exhausting trying to explain how the doctors can change what they are saying so easily - surely that's not my job? but where are those who can help?
in the morning the consultant is due again, she seems to reinforce my jaundiced view of arrogant medics only too neatly - i need some answers and want to get them without alienating her - i know that i am getting anxious and emotional and need help organising my thoughts - the nurses are lovely but i don't think this is something they can help with - i will see the chaplain in the morning, with luck before the consultant arrives
sunday morning: not a wink of sleep, but some stitching distracts and soothes me - too much thinking and negative what-iffing in the night, a lot of tears - feeling isolated from usual forms of support, no phone, short texts only, no internet connection, no radio or tv for distraction, no cuddles - thank goodness for stitch and ipod - but very tense and emotional this morning
one of our fellow patients puts on a nerve shattering performance of wailing and screeching - we are all upset and distressed - i am just about holding myself together when a nurse decides i must unburden myself to her - she won't accept that i prefer not to and persists, eventually i crack, spill out incoherent gibberish in a tantrum-ish outburst and crumple to a tearful heap begging to be left alone - the words "calm down" in a threatening tone are just so unhelpful - i feel terrible at upsetting my fellow patients further, angry with myself for losing control but angrier with the nurse for her arrogance - so much for my plan to be ready, calm and prepared with my questions for the consultant's visit
in hospital with my poorly heart, wondering what changes this will bring - twice already my life has taken a different course because of my health - i can't remember the detail of what i felt the last two times but once i start thinking about it a gulf opens - no one seems aware of my M.E. and even less of the effect it already has on my life - the story about my heart is shifting from one of full recovery to a less certain outcome
mick is already having trouble accepting the shift in opinion, he's the permanent optimist where i am the hopeful realist, and i am finding it exhausting trying to explain how the doctors can change what they are saying so easily - surely that's not my job? but where are those who can help?in the morning the consultant is due again, she seems to reinforce my jaundiced view of arrogant medics only too neatly - i need some answers and want to get them without alienating her - i know that i am getting anxious and emotional and need help organising my thoughts - the nurses are lovely but i don't think this is something they can help with - i will see the chaplain in the morning, with luck before the consultant arrives
sunday morning: not a wink of sleep, but some stitching distracts and soothes me - too much thinking and negative what-iffing in the night, a lot of tears - feeling isolated from usual forms of support, no phone, short texts only, no internet connection, no radio or tv for distraction, no cuddles - thank goodness for stitch and ipod - but very tense and emotional this morning
one of our fellow patients puts on a nerve shattering performance of wailing and screeching - we are all upset and distressed - i am just about holding myself together when a nurse decides i must unburden myself to her - she won't accept that i prefer not to and persists, eventually i crack, spill out incoherent gibberish in a tantrum-ish outburst and crumple to a tearful heap begging to be left alone - the words "calm down" in a threatening tone are just so unhelpful - i feel terrible at upsetting my fellow patients further, angry with myself for losing control but angrier with the nurse for her arrogance - so much for my plan to be ready, calm and prepared with my questions for the consultant's visit
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